Jokes by Steven Wright (the deadpan stand-up comedian) Part One of an Eight-fold Trip

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Table of Contents.

Part One:
Wright Knowledge

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- Steven Wright (SW)

I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!
- Steven Wright

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
- Steven Wright

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
- Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
- Steven Wright

My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "Heck no, why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
- Steven Wright

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what happens?" He said, "How should I know?!" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you."
- Steven Wright

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
- Steven Wright

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
- Steven Wright

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
- Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I had amnesia once or twice.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
- Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- Steven Wright

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
- Steven Wright

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
- Steven Wright

"Hermits have no peer pressure."
- Steven Wright

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Alex Kirlik)

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
- Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
- Steven Wright

On the other hand... You have different fingers.
- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- Steven Wright

What do batteries run on?
- Steven Wright

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
- Steven Wright

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
- Steven Wright

The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"
- Steven Wright

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
- Steven Wright

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
- Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come out straight?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Danny Chrastina)

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike)

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

This isn't all true.
- Steven Wright

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I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!" Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com!

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Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):

	Wright Absorption	Wright Knowledge
Wright Mindfulness			Wright Aspiration
Wright Effort			Wright Speech
	Wright Livelihood	Wright Behavior

This page is part one of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")

More Jokes SITE MAP Updated 2/4/10