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Meditate on the
Table of Contents.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.
-- Steven Wright (SW)
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in
the passing lane?"
-- SW
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there
anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting
attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't
really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to
die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
-- SW
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars
from George.
-- SW
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game HE was watching was better.
-- SW
"Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many
memories."
-- SW
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
-- SW
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
-- SW
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify ________". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my MOTHER going
to do?
-- SW
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood
around and sang Happy Birthday.
-- SW
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- SW
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
-- SW
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- SW
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
-- SW
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading
it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 --
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
-- SW
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
-- SW
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It
said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
-- SW
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
-- SW
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
-- SW
I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got
dizzy.
-- SW
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-- SW
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike)
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
-- SW
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right
in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
-- SW
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer.
It was made of grass.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It
will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to
hit your own ball.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
-- SW
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
-- SW
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
-- SW
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope
it's not hereditary.
-- SW
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... Eventually.
-- SW
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
The sky already fell. Now what?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright
Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!" Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com! |
Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):
Wright Absorption |
Wright Knowledge |
||
Wright Mindfulness |
Wright Aspiration | ||
Wright Effort |
Wright Speech | ||
Wright Livelihood |
Wright Behavior |
This page is part seven of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")
More Jokes SITE MAP Updated 2/4/10 |