[Steven Wright]

Jokes by Steven Wright

(the deadpan stand-up comedian)

Part Seven of an Eight-fold Trip

In Association with Amazon.com

Meditate on the
Table of Contents.

Part Seven:
Wright Mindfulness


I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
-- Steven Wright (SW)

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
-- SW

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
-- SW

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
-- SW

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
-- SW

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
-- SW

"Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."
-- SW

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
-- SW

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
-- SW

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify ________". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my MOTHER going to do?
-- SW

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
-- SW

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- SW

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
-- SW

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- SW

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- SW

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
-- SW

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
-- SW

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
-- SW

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
-- SW

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- SW

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- SW

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.
-- SW

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-- SW

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike)

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
-- SW

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
-- SW

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
-- SW

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
-- SW

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
-- SW

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
-- SW

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
-- SW

The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

The sky already fell. Now what?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)



I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright

Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!"

Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com!
  [Steven Wright]



Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):


Wright
Absorption
 
Wright
Knowledge
Wright
Mindfulness
Wright
Aspiration
Wright
Effort
Wright
Speech
Wright
Livelihood
Wright
Behavior



This page is part seven of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")

[Steven Wright counterfeits identified here!]
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