Jokes by Steven Wright (the deadpan stand-up comedian) Part Four of an Eight-fold Trip

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Table of Contents.

Part Four:
Wright Behavior

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
-- Steven Wright (SW)

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
-- SW

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept moving.
-- SW

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
-- SW

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
-- SW

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
-- SW

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
-- SW

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
-- SW

Sometimes I... No, I don't.
-- SW

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
-- SW

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
-- SW

I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Alex Kirlik)

I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from W. Douglas West)

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- SW

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

I bought a portable cable TV.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Andrew Arensburger)

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Alex Kirlik)

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Alex Kirlik)

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I had my coathangers spayed.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
-- SW

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
-- SW

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...
-- SW

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
-- SW

(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
-- SW

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- SW

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
-- SW

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
-- SW

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
-- SW

I washed mud, off of mud.
-- SW

I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over.
-- SW

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
-- SW

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
-- SW

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
-- SW

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
-- SW

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."
-- SW

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
-- SW

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
-- SW

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
-- SW

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
-- SW

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (Slow glance upward.)
-- SW

I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside.
-- SW

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
-- SW

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
-- SW

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
-- SW

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds AMAZING.
-- SW

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
-- SW

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
-- SW

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
-- SW

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
-- SW

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
-- SW

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
-- SW

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
-- SW

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."
-- SW

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
-- SW

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
-- SW

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
-- SW

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
-- SW

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
-- SW

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
-- SW

I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
-- SW

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
-- SW

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it."
-- SW

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
-- SW

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
-- SW

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
-- SW

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
-- SW

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
-- SW

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
-- SW

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
-- SW

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
-- SW

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
-- SW

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
-- SW

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
-- SW

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
-- SW

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
-- SW

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
-- SW

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-- SW

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
-- SW

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
-- SW

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.
-- SW

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-- SW

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
-- SW

I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catcher's mit.
-- SW

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
-- SW

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
-- SW

It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
-- SW

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
-- SW

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."
-- SW

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
-- SW

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
-- SW

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
-- SW

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I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!" Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com!

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Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):

	Wright Absorption	Wright Knowledge
Wright Mindfulness			Wright Aspiration
Wright Effort			Wright Speech
	Wright Livelihood	Wright Behavior

This page is part four of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")

More Jokes SITE MAP Updated 3/5/10