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Meditate on the
Table of Contents.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
-- Steven Wright (SW)
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a
megaphone.
-- SW
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
-- SW
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.
-- SW
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We
haven't spoken since.
-- SW
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't
read in two different languages.
-- SW
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."
-- SW
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
-- SW
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you
got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have
anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
-- SW
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
Les.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
-- SW
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00,
children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
-- SW
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars"...
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
have the pen!
-- SW
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
-- SW
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
-- SW
It's a fine night to have an evening.
-- SW
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
-- SW
A metaphor is like a simile.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
-- SW
I took a baby shower.
-- SW
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
-- SW
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
-- SW
Is "tired old cliche" one?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
for sale."
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
monkey?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
fan club?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood
lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the
skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought
wind socks.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he
had cross-trained.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
What are imitation rhinestones?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike)
I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright
Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!" Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com! |
Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):
Wright Absorption |
Wright Knowledge |
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Wright Mindfulness |
Wright Aspiration | ||
Wright Effort |
Wright Speech | ||
Wright Livelihood |
Wright Behavior |
This page is part three of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")
More Jokes SITE MAP Updated 2/4/10 |