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Meditate on the
Table of Contents.
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When
I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I
came back.
-- Steven Wright (SW)
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
-- SW
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
today."
-- SW
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to
age.
-- SW
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
-- SW
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
-- SW
When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107,
and when I'm out of town... They mail it to me.
-- SW
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
-- SW
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had two shadows.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...
-- SW
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
lines on curved roads.
-- SW
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
-- SW
So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and
I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are
knocking people over...
-- SW
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
-- SW
I can't stop thinking like this.
-- SW
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like
that all the time.
-- SW
You know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you
catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
-- SW
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep,
you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes
are closed? I'm like that all the time.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
Ever try to Scotch-gard a sponge?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike)
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
All they found was a pile of dust.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the
ground, I fell asleep.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Alex Kirlik)
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm
Narcissus.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that
all the time.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)
I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright
Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!" Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com! |
Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):
Wright Absorption |
Wright Knowledge |
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Wright Mindfulness |
Wright Aspiration | ||
Wright Effort |
Wright Speech | ||
Wright Livelihood |
Wright Behavior |
This page is part eight of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, and observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")
More Jokes SITE MAP Updated 2/4/10 |