Jokes by Steven Wright (the deadpan stand-up comedian) Part Two of an Eight-fold Trip

Meditate on the
Table of Contents.

Part Two:
Wright Aspiration

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
-- SW

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
-- SW

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
-- SW

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...
-- SW

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
-- SW

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
-- SW

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- SW

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
-- SW

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- SW

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
-- SW

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
-- SW

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
-- SW

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?
-- SW

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
-- SW

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
-- SW

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Jack Handy look-alike)

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
-- SW

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
-- SW

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- SW

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

There aren't enough days in the weekend.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Alex Kirlik)

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I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!" Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com!

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Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):

	Wright Absorption	Wright Knowledge
Wright Mindfulness			Wright Aspiration
Wright Effort			Wright Speech
	Wright Livelihood	Wright Behavior

This page is part two of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")

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